Done with 2021!

At the beginning of 2020, I had so many dreams, so much hope.

I had been sick on 3 occasions in 2019.

In May, I suffered a serious flare-up or pericarditis and the flu,

I had 1 six-day hospitalization in August for another flare-up of pericarditis and pneumonia,

then I got sick on Christmas Day with what I believe could have been covid which I didn't start to feel better until the beginning of Feb. 2020. By March I was feeling much healthier, still struggled with my breathing, but I was much better.

Whatever it was, I had never been as sick as I was at that time. It kicked my ass.

Then... covid entered our lives... the lockdowns, stay-at-home orders...

the adjustment of living in the heart, the downtown sector of a major metropolitan city like Portland were at first eerie, it so silent, it was more haunting than when the planes stopped flying above us after the towers came down on 9-11.

GF was killed on Memorial Day, and American became the Divided into States of Rage.

Everything changed.

On May 29th Portland and every other city saw their first riot over the death of Floyd. Everything changed, I watched as Portlanders became void, of integrity, compassion, love, empathy, and pride.

I had no idea when I was awoken from the first flash-grenade about 12:14 am, and saw the flashes of the explosions reflections off of the windows and the BOOMS echoing off of the skyscrapers built of concrete and steel that surround me...

that at that moment, my entire life changed.

I had no idea the things I was about to face, or the changes in me that would take place.

May 30, 2020, I proudly and graciously celebrated 19 years of not being drunk off my ass every day. That was quite an accomplishment. By the end of June I drank again... Being sober for 19 years was a day I never thought I would see. I had my apartment, everything I needed, I had been gifted with so much more.

Then I watched horrified, scared, alone as the riots continued, didn't end... my confusion, I couldn't understand what was happening, why it was being allowed to continue.

I had so much to learn... there was so much I didn't know because of my own ignorance.

July 4th is when they burned the Elk statue, a riot was declared and the police pushed rioters up SW Salmon to Broadway where everything came to a standstill with rioters on the SE corner and the police line standing across the street. The night I watched as the police (were forced/ordered to stand down to the violence and as a result), were literally ambushed and forced to turn and run for their lives by a mob of what I would guess to be around 400-500 angry rioters, Antifa, and anarchists.

I have video of this, and it blows Hardesty's claims the police were to blame and the "violent thugs or WS" she claims them to be out of the water! It's a 13-minute video I took from my apartment window. When I mentioned to Hardesty's office in June on the phone I have this, they were very interested in knowing if I'd be willing to send it to them. Ha, ha!! I'm sure they'd love to see it. In time... they will.

July 5th is the night I was so frightened from the riot the night before I found myself wrapped in a blanket, cowered down in the tub, with the lights off, the door shut as I cried, trembled in fear, I rocked myself for hours and was so out-of-control in my own head that's where I stayed the entire night until they quit for the night and all went home to sleep soundly and prepare for another night of violence.

There was another night I suffered an asthma attack from the teargas dispersing into the air, so serious I *should* have called 9-1-1 and gotten an ambulance here to give me immediate treatment for my breathing but, because of the night I witnessed them start arsons around my home and not even be able to get the PFD to respond because it was DURING A RIOT, I figured an ambulance wouldn't be able to get through either.

So I didn't call, I suffered through it.

August 2020 is when Adam Haner was attacked after coming to the aid of a transgendered woman who was being robbed and beaten. Mr. Haner was kicked unconscious in the back of his head after having already been beaten and lying helpless in the street. His attack happened on the street below my apartment, I can still hear the dull "thud" of the kick to his head at the end of his assault echoing off the buildings.

September 2020 was the first time I heard myself say out loud~

"the LAST 4 months of my life have been harder than the FIRST four after Nicole died."

I never once imagined anything could come into my life that would be more painful than the loss of my only child, now nearly 40 years ago.